Mental health, depression, attachment...
Sep. 5th, 2025 07:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
arisoturaSo, yeah...
I still need to post about other projects. The vintage radio stuff is fun, and a nice occasion to learn about different stuff, but it's not all I've been doing lately...
I've also been hyperfocused on the WiiU gamepad again -- trying to get its wifi card's CPU to run custom code, figuring out how to get it up and running and how I could use it as a second CPU for other purposes. My idea was to port lolSNES/blargSNES, my old attempts at a SNES emulator for DS/3DS consoles. I thought the wifi CPU could help with emulating the SNES PPU. At this point, I have things mostly ready, and need to code the actual renderer, but I haven't felt like coding a lot lately.
Sometimes it feels like hyperfocusing on those projects is some form of escapism, to avoid looking at what's inside...
Current situation is, well, not ideal.
Remember this?
"Having to go job hunting certainly doesn't help, because that in itself is pretty depressing. But hopefully, this should be sorted out soon..."
It was not, infact, sorted out. But I won't get in detail in this post, that's not what I want to talk about. Although it would deserve its own post too, eventually.
That does play into my mental health, but that's secondary...
-
What has been surfacing these last weeks is deeper feelings, that have been a recurring theme throughout my life.
Loneliness. Feeling unable to truly connect to others. Not feeling able to receive love, or to really express it.
Also a constant feeling that I can only ever rely on myself.
There's a lot to it. It has deep roots.
For example, a memory I have from preschool:
We were in the hallway, waiting to go to the gym room. One of the kids somehow got their gym shoe stuck on the fire alarm command box (I remember that particular image). What happened next is likely that they tried throwing their other shoe at the box to get their shoe back, and in the process, the fire alarm was triggered.
The school was evacuated. We were lined up outside. I was shocked and absolutely overwhelmed by the commotion. I was crying, asking for mom. Nobody came. I distinctly remember the impression that I was the only one crying and that nobody cared. I remember how it felt - I eventually stopped crying and carried on throughout the rest of the day, but the feelings stuck with me and were never properly addressed...
I get it, there was probably more important stuff to worry about, like checking whether the school was actually on fire, maybe they even called the fire brigade... But this isn't ideal.
-
During a shroom trip, I thought about this memory, and it revealed something else.
Mom recounted that when I was introduced to preschool, I didn't know to behave, I would run around, barge into random classrooms and throw stuff around, ... none of which I did at home. It's common to see this under the angle of "unruly child, needs to be disciplined". And it led to the school director keeping me at her side for a while to discipline me, indeed.
But I saw it under a different angle, one I may otherwise never have considered.
At the same time, I was connecting with feelings of abandonment, the kind of sadness and panic an abandoned child might feel. I was crying, but it didn't feel overwhelming. I had intuitive understanding of what the feelings were, and it was a a-ha moment - a lot of things suddenly made sense.
Basically, my introduction to preschool was a traumatic moment in itself.
Prior to that, I had grown up at home, with my sister, and either my parents or the caretaker they'd hired. It was a familiar, safe setting, and I was very attached to my family. I hadn't had much contact, if at all, with the outside world. Then, all of a sudden, I was dropped off at preschool, a completely alien setting with completely unknown people, and my parents were gone. And I had expectations placed on me. And the feelings I experienced from that were never received or addressed, as I had to fit a mold...
It's interesting because while I have a bunch of memories from preschool, I don't remember this particular moment. It's possible that it was banished from my consciousness, or just that my brain wasn't mature enough at the time...
But regardless, it explains a lot of things about me. Like why I was reclusive and had anger issues. It's possible that being an introvert is just part of my base character, but then, if I was feeling abandoned and endangered and trying to survive, closing off entirely and retreating to my imagination (and violently destroying any perceived threat) wouldn't be an unfitting defense mechanism. Things eventually cooled down, but trauma tends to leave a mark.
-
I could see those events as a sort of starting point for a general pattern in my mind -- the idea that I can and should only ever rely on myself, that other people will let me down.
It reflects in how it's impossible for people to comfort me when I'm sad and when I do open up to them. It was the case when I was a child. Mom would try to comfort me, but for some reason I wasn't able to receive any of it. Usually the feelings would fade away the next day, and that was it.
Dad, on the other hand... it's another situation. I can't remember him trying to comfort me, hugging me, or offering support. He's always felt emotionally distant at some level, despite also being a fun, playful dad. I know he's had a not so great childhood, so that has affected him... Sometimes, it feels like it was a problem, to him, if I expressed any negative emotion - that emotion had to be countered with logic or with discipline.
It's complicated. I have parts that are focused on my relationship with dad. One is sad, she wished to connect but was never given a chance. The other is angry, acts as a protector to the first part by projecting anger outward against dad -- "he's a piece of shit" etc.
My emotional connection with mom has also suffered from her tendencies, giving me a general impression that she's not genuine...
-
Basically, I've never really felt close to anybody else. I don't know what that feels like. It feels like having been robbed of something that is fundamental to us humans.
I mean... I don't know. It's complicated.
Obviously, I'm able to feel some amount of attachment, but... I don't know? It's like there's always some wall between me and others, that keeps me from really connecting and feeling...
It's complicated, and it hurts.
I think I've run out of steam for today, so I'll leave it at that... this has been the feelings that I'm dealing with these days. I hope to be able to deal with all of it in therapy...
I still need to post about other projects. The vintage radio stuff is fun, and a nice occasion to learn about different stuff, but it's not all I've been doing lately...
I've also been hyperfocused on the WiiU gamepad again -- trying to get its wifi card's CPU to run custom code, figuring out how to get it up and running and how I could use it as a second CPU for other purposes. My idea was to port lolSNES/blargSNES, my old attempts at a SNES emulator for DS/3DS consoles. I thought the wifi CPU could help with emulating the SNES PPU. At this point, I have things mostly ready, and need to code the actual renderer, but I haven't felt like coding a lot lately.
Sometimes it feels like hyperfocusing on those projects is some form of escapism, to avoid looking at what's inside...
Current situation is, well, not ideal.
Remember this?
"Having to go job hunting certainly doesn't help, because that in itself is pretty depressing. But hopefully, this should be sorted out soon..."
It was not, infact, sorted out. But I won't get in detail in this post, that's not what I want to talk about. Although it would deserve its own post too, eventually.
That does play into my mental health, but that's secondary...
-
What has been surfacing these last weeks is deeper feelings, that have been a recurring theme throughout my life.
Loneliness. Feeling unable to truly connect to others. Not feeling able to receive love, or to really express it.
Also a constant feeling that I can only ever rely on myself.
There's a lot to it. It has deep roots.
For example, a memory I have from preschool:
We were in the hallway, waiting to go to the gym room. One of the kids somehow got their gym shoe stuck on the fire alarm command box (I remember that particular image). What happened next is likely that they tried throwing their other shoe at the box to get their shoe back, and in the process, the fire alarm was triggered.
The school was evacuated. We were lined up outside. I was shocked and absolutely overwhelmed by the commotion. I was crying, asking for mom. Nobody came. I distinctly remember the impression that I was the only one crying and that nobody cared. I remember how it felt - I eventually stopped crying and carried on throughout the rest of the day, but the feelings stuck with me and were never properly addressed...
I get it, there was probably more important stuff to worry about, like checking whether the school was actually on fire, maybe they even called the fire brigade... But this isn't ideal.
-
During a shroom trip, I thought about this memory, and it revealed something else.
Mom recounted that when I was introduced to preschool, I didn't know to behave, I would run around, barge into random classrooms and throw stuff around, ... none of which I did at home. It's common to see this under the angle of "unruly child, needs to be disciplined". And it led to the school director keeping me at her side for a while to discipline me, indeed.
But I saw it under a different angle, one I may otherwise never have considered.
At the same time, I was connecting with feelings of abandonment, the kind of sadness and panic an abandoned child might feel. I was crying, but it didn't feel overwhelming. I had intuitive understanding of what the feelings were, and it was a a-ha moment - a lot of things suddenly made sense.
Basically, my introduction to preschool was a traumatic moment in itself.
Prior to that, I had grown up at home, with my sister, and either my parents or the caretaker they'd hired. It was a familiar, safe setting, and I was very attached to my family. I hadn't had much contact, if at all, with the outside world. Then, all of a sudden, I was dropped off at preschool, a completely alien setting with completely unknown people, and my parents were gone. And I had expectations placed on me. And the feelings I experienced from that were never received or addressed, as I had to fit a mold...
It's interesting because while I have a bunch of memories from preschool, I don't remember this particular moment. It's possible that it was banished from my consciousness, or just that my brain wasn't mature enough at the time...
But regardless, it explains a lot of things about me. Like why I was reclusive and had anger issues. It's possible that being an introvert is just part of my base character, but then, if I was feeling abandoned and endangered and trying to survive, closing off entirely and retreating to my imagination (and violently destroying any perceived threat) wouldn't be an unfitting defense mechanism. Things eventually cooled down, but trauma tends to leave a mark.
-
I could see those events as a sort of starting point for a general pattern in my mind -- the idea that I can and should only ever rely on myself, that other people will let me down.
It reflects in how it's impossible for people to comfort me when I'm sad and when I do open up to them. It was the case when I was a child. Mom would try to comfort me, but for some reason I wasn't able to receive any of it. Usually the feelings would fade away the next day, and that was it.
Dad, on the other hand... it's another situation. I can't remember him trying to comfort me, hugging me, or offering support. He's always felt emotionally distant at some level, despite also being a fun, playful dad. I know he's had a not so great childhood, so that has affected him... Sometimes, it feels like it was a problem, to him, if I expressed any negative emotion - that emotion had to be countered with logic or with discipline.
It's complicated. I have parts that are focused on my relationship with dad. One is sad, she wished to connect but was never given a chance. The other is angry, acts as a protector to the first part by projecting anger outward against dad -- "he's a piece of shit" etc.
My emotional connection with mom has also suffered from her tendencies, giving me a general impression that she's not genuine...
-
Basically, I've never really felt close to anybody else. I don't know what that feels like. It feels like having been robbed of something that is fundamental to us humans.
I mean... I don't know. It's complicated.
Obviously, I'm able to feel some amount of attachment, but... I don't know? It's like there's always some wall between me and others, that keeps me from really connecting and feeling...
It's complicated, and it hurts.
I think I've run out of steam for today, so I'll leave it at that... this has been the feelings that I'm dealing with these days. I hope to be able to deal with all of it in therapy...
